Cheers to Indecency
by Grunt
Summary: Quoted for Truth: A feline grin settled on her face as she watched Unohana think about her words. That should settle that business. Hah, leave it to contract crasher Yoruichi to safe Ichigo from the evil that is an ....
1. Chapter 1

Cheers to Indecency

"Ouch. I really didn't think we would be this pathetic. Totally unexpected."

Grimacing slightly at the truth in Ishida's words Ichigo tried to catch a peek at their surroundings, only to sigh as the dust raised by their landing obscured everything from sight.

But there was something.

Right at the edge of his perception, tickling his awareness, there was something.

It was less of a feeling, more of a knowing that something was waiting here for him and him alone.

Something old, at least in human terms, old, yes, powerful too and ….nice?

Yes there was something nice about it. This presence that tried to draw him to itself the moment he had stepped foot into this world.

A soothing warmth, filling him from toe to head and smothering his insecurities.

Whatever it was, it was …gentle, yes gentle was the right word for it. Yet, there was an undercurrent of something raw, something wild.

It was less human than before but far more animalistic in nature, but strangely …appealing to something deep within him.

Like a fire it seemed to make the embers within his soul burn anew. Blood rushed into his cheeks as he felt his body's natural reaction to the stimulation his soul seemed to receive.

And why did it feel as if the presence was trying to grab his ass?

He twisted around, looking for something to take his mind of the things his soul felt, anything that wouldn't embarrass him even further.

A heartbeat later he averted his eyes again blushing even harder, watching Orihime's jiggly way of walking was not the best idea to get rid of his arousal. No sir.

He needed something to get rid of this problem right now. Scanning his surroundings, now that the dust had fallen and revealed the outskirts of the city in front of them, he searched for something to turn him off.

'Why are there no ugly old hags anywhere when you need them? Something? Anything?'

A split second later Ichigo's eyes locked unto the only thing that came to mind. It was perfect. Really. He would have clapped himself on his own back if it hadn't looked so strange.

Also it was something his father might have done, which made it a big no-no in Ichigo's book.

Nothing killed arousal faster than getting chewed out by a cat with the voice of an old geezer.

'Yup, a cat's fine too!'

Now to get it's attention.

"So, this is Soul Society, Yoruichi-san?"

"The outer layer yes, what you see in the distance is Rukongai, the place where most spirits live. In the center there is Seireitei, where Rukia is being held, but for now we only have to worry how to get into Rukongai."

"Hmm, doesn't look that hard to me, let's go!"

Grinning like a loon Ichigo turned around to sprint into the city and history took its course.

Only to come to a sudden stop as two people appeared before them.

The moment he saw the captain's hatori on one of them he threw himself forward, attacking without hesitation.

One moment later he was on the ground, butt sticking into the hair, zanpakuto on the ground and a black cat on his head, burying his face in the sand.

"My... for you to aid those ryouka, how interesting, but where are my manners, it has been quite a long time since we last met, has it not, Shihouin Yoruichi-san?"

Bowing kindly the female captain greeted the cat still perched on Ichigo's head.

"It certainly has been a long time, Unohana-taicho. But why so formal, I always hated that way of speaking to someone. Or have you already forgotten that Retsu-chan?"

"Hmmm, well, you always were a bit of a rebel weren't you, Yoruichi-san?" Twinkling eyes met a cat's curiosity and suddenly the atmosphere seemed strained, as if a sudden weight had started to press down upon them.

Tension filled the area, numbing the senses of all but the cat and the captain.

"Maybe, but that doesn't explain why you were waiting here for us to come and rescue the Kuchiki girl. So tell me, how did Soul Society figure out when we would arrive?"

"Ohh my, I can't speak for everyone but I at least knew nothing about your attempts. In fact I came here for a wholly different reason."

Again that kind smile filled her face.

Before the black cat could answer though, she had to jump to safety, to escape the sudden revival of her chair.

Dusting himself off Ichigo blew out some air before he opened his mouth to give voice to his irritation.

"What the hell is going one here?"

Grimacing at the shocked faces of the others he pointed his finger at the Unohana.

"She's a Shinigami right? A captain class Shinigami!"

Seeing Yoruichi nod from her new resting place, a top Orihime's head, he turned to Unohana once again to see her smiling at him.

"Indeed, I am Unohana Retsu, the captain of the fourth division. Pleased to meet you Kurosaki-kun."

"So why aren't we fighting…..wait. How the hell do you know my name?"

Still pointing his finger Ichigo had started to twist from Yoruichi to Unohana and back again, desperately trying to make sense of this.

"Well, Kurosaki-kun this is a matter that concerns you directly, you see. Or more correctly it concerns this!"

While talking she had taken something out of her robes, something that looked a lot like a… scroll?

It only took a single look at the seal to make the goddess of flash, currently in her feline form, pale, which was quite impressive for a black cat, as she immediately recognized **that** sort of seal.

Oh yes, she knew that kind of seal far too well to be comfortable with it. Nothing good could would come out of this, it never did.

"Retsu-chan, you can't mean to tell me that there actually exists a contract like that for him. He is a ryouka, he has absolutely no relation to Soul Society whatsoever."

"I am afraid it is as you say, the contract exists and it will have to be fulfilled. Honor is at stake, family honor at that, I am sure you understand how important this can be to some people and sooner or later we will have to go through with this."

"But, Retsu-chan, think about it. He is coming here as a ryouka, he comes to challenge the very law you uphold. Besides you are a captain."

Like a single person the remaining ryouka plus one fukutaicho turned to the black haired woman, the ever present smile still on her face as she seemed to mull over Yoruichi's words.

"Ano, Ishida-san, Chad-san, do you understand anything they are saying?"

"Those shinigami are clearly crazy, the whole frickin' lot of them."

"It seems they are arguing about something that concerns Ichigo. Him and family honor?"

Seeing the captain open her mouth the reply the remaining peanut gallery fell silent again, hoping to gain further understanding.

"Hmm, you are quite right, Yoruichi-san, but as a captain is it not my duty to uphold the laws, all of them? So it is my duty as a captain of Soul Society to fulfill this contract, is it not?"

Some how her smile seemed a lot brighter than before, in fact Unohana's whole demeanor seemed to become just a bit brighter.

For a second the former shinigami seemed speechless before she caught herself.  
"He's way to young for this. You must remember that he is only human, he is not even an adult according to the laws of the mortal world."

A feline grin settled on her face as she watched Unohana think about her words. That should settle that business. Hah, leave it to contract crasher Yoruichi to safe Ichigo from the evil that is an ...

"What are you people talking about? We don't have time for this, we need to free Rukia."

On the other hand, if he kept interrupting her train of thought like that, Retsu-chan could have him...with a goddamn pink ribbon on top.

"Oh my, he is indeed quite inexperienced, is he not? So young and rash, full of youthful energy, ready to make the mistakes of youth."

Frowning a little the captain of the fourth division put her index finger to her mouth as she seemed to think about something.

"But there is one thing you forgot oh goddess of flash Yoruichi.."

Slowly the frown seemed to melt into her smile again, but instead of calm and gentle there seemed to be an underlying message in that smile.

"… you see, I just happen to…"

In an instant the smile was gone replaced with a downright sulty smirk.

"…like 'em young!"

Somehow Ichigo Kurosaki had a feeling of impending doom, well that and the sudden urge to strangle his father.

Meanwhile Shihouin Yoruichi was busy hitting her head against the nearest hard object, because she had forgotten about her old friends habits.

And Isane Kotetsu hung her head in shame of her captain's antics.

On some days, you just can't win

And Unohana Retsu still smirked.

Sexily.


	2. Chapter 2

Cheers to Indecency

**Be very very q****uiet, I am hunting Ichigo's!**

Somewhere on earth a life had been saved. The poor man whose life was danger had been hit by car, had been thrown across the street and received serious injuries during his short flight. Fortunately help had been quick to arrive and a clinic had been not too far away. In short, it was a case of good luck that saved this poor man, who has absolutely nothing to do with this story. The doctor who had saved said man however was an important part of this story. One could even claim that without him this tale wouldn't even have started when it did. Without him, well let's just say that many things would have gone spectacularly wrong.

Thankfully the good doctor, consummate father and ex-shinigami did exist.

Yup, it's Ishin.

Also known as Mr. "I kick my son for breakfeast and it didn't stunt his growth even one bit, suck on that bitches!", or simply Mr. K. if you were one those little punks who always hang around the corner store, trying to look cool and failing dramatically. Or simply father if someone asked one of his three children, well at least Yuzu would call him father, as both Karin and that ungrateful Ichigo would most likely refer to the poor man only as "old man".

Not that it irked him or something like that. He was after all an adult, he didn't worry about how his beloved children referred to him. He knew that the cared for him as much as he cared for them. That was what family was all about in his eyes. He smiled at his late wifes poster, remembering his dear departed wife fondly.

Their relationship had been so passionate, so fresh. Love, passion, understanding, all those things that really made Ishin sure of the choice he had made. His wife had been beautiful yes, but it was not only her body, even though she had been smokin' hot if he dare so say himself, her whole being was simply beautiful.

And to be frank, if he had only craved sex with pretty women he could have stayed in Soul Society.

The place his oldest child had departed to save a shinigami of all people.

The irony of someone invading Soul Society to save a shinigami made him chuckle a little bit.

Well, it was mostly sneaking and running for them and as long as Yoruichi was with them he didn't have any serious fears for his son's safety.

What were they chances of them even seeing a captain?

Hell, what where the chances of Ichigo meeting Retsu-chan? Close to nill surely.

A sudden noise alerted him to his cup breaking apart in his very hands, spilling hot tea onto his lap, just as his chair broke down on him, sending him on the ground and giving him a prime viewon one of the windows shattering right before his eyes. Before the dazzled man could even raise an eyebrow at this, the poster of his dear wife seemed to gain a new tear without any discernable reason while he started to hear the noise of screeching wires and something crashing into something else from the streets outside.

Standing up the former Shinigami captain smiled painfully while scratching his head and looked up at the ceiling.

"You know, a simply rumbling of thunder would have been enough if you wanted to tell me that simply hightailing out of Soul Society may have not been one of my better ideas!"

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There were times, Matsumoto thought, when her little taicho absolutely adorable. This was mainly when he was all puffed up and trying to glower at anyone because someone just had to comment on his size. Or when he slept after training too much and he was still covered in sweat in melting ice. Or when he managed to sneak a water melon into the headquarters and eat it "secretly", when he thought no one was watching.

"I'm not going Matsumoto and that's final."

He was, however, not cute when was acting like a goddamn mule or Zaraki-taicho, whoever was more annoying by simply not bending to any others will in the slightest..

"Taicho, it's the same every month, this is an ordered inspection of your health, you have to go!"

Right now it was once again time for every captain's monthly health check. They were, after all, the elite of Soul Society, so any sudden change in their health could have severe repercussions for the whole division. It was mandatory, no rain checks, no excuses, no nothing. Every captain had to go, even Yamamoto-taicho and every single time it was the same circus as before.

"I am not going to the 4th Division Matsumoto. I feel great, my reiatsu is growing nicely and Hyourinmaru is doing just fine. Tell that to whoever comes to complain."

"Taicho, it doesn't work like that, if you don't want to go, you will need to give a good reason, seeing as how there are NO excuses for not going to the check!"

It was the same spiel every month and frankly she was getting tired of this. If he would just tell her why he didn't want to go she would at least have an angle to convince him to go. But no she had to think of something all on her own. Thanks a fucking lot taicho.

Well, this was different, normaly he should be getting a puffed up by now, but now it seemed as if he was seriously considering telling her his reasons for his vehemence.

"Matsumoto, what I am about to tell you does not under any circumstances leave this room, do you understand?"

Seeing her nod, the young man composed himself and continued.

"I have nothing against the health check itself, but as you know the check is performed by Unohana-taicho and…" he drifted off, blushing madly and looked away as if uncomfortable.

A sudden look of understanding appeared on his subordinates face and with it came a strange glint in her eyes.

"Can it be? Does my little taicho have a crush on the motherly Unohana-taicho? Nee Taicho? Do you prefer older woman?"

"CRUSH? That damn woman gropes me the whole freaking time I'm there! She practically rapes me with her hands! Every single time I have to go there, she can't stop her hands and acts as if nothings wrong. If it weren't for that Zaraki coming in with a sick Yachiru, I'm not sure how it would have ended last month."

"I see…." Well, what else was there to say after getting a bomb like that dropped on her.

"I guess, that does count as a good reason, why don't you get some fresh air while I think of something taicho?"

Her smile, seemingly like always was slightly strained as a new train of thought made it's way through her brain.

Seeing her cute little taicho nod thankfully to her and leave the room shortly after the blonde bombshell let her calm façade drop at once.

"That BITCH dares to grope my cute little taicho? Ohh just you wait Unohana-taicho, you're so going to learn why one doesn't mess with what's Matsumoto's!"

Yup, the whole situation just became a lot weirder.

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"Were far enough away for now, you can stop!"

Hearing the command from their black furred passenger, Ichigo slowed down, as did Orihime at his side.

"Seems like we got away, we were quite lucky that my kido worked so well on her!"

There seemed to be an undercurrent of smugness in the voice as the cat jumped onto the ground and turned around to face it's charges. It eyed Ichigo once more, as more questions filled the womans mind. It was time to get some answers.

"So Ichigo, you didn't tell me you were a purebred Shinigami. That would have made things far easier, you know?"

"Ahh is Kurosaki-kun really a eh "purebred" shinigami? Ahh of course if Yoruichi-san says so, how silly of me!"

"Wha..What the hell are talking about, Yoruichi-san, Orihime, stop that, before that idiot Rukia came I didn't even know Shinigami exist."

"So your parents aren't Shinigami?"

"My mother…died many years ago so I wouldn't know anything about that and my father's a doctor and an idiot, who the hell kicks his sons in the head first thing in the morning anyway? Damn you old man, you bastard."

"He…kicks you in the head first thing the morning?"

A strange quality seemed to seep into the cat's voice as she suddenly started to look at Ichigo more carefully.

"Well, I guess there's only one way to see for sure. But for that, behold my true form!"

------------------Insert transformation from pussy cat to naked babe here--------------------

"YORUICHI-SAN? What the…you're….. a woman?"

"Surprised? My, how cute, you're blushing too, how sweet. Sadly we have more important things to do than gape like fish all day don't we?"

That said the dark-skinned beauty proceeded to stuff her hands down Ichigo's uniform, all the while like a cat that had caught the…snake?

"Wh…." Before the poor boy could say anything more a quick look from the purple haired vixen seemed to make him lose all control over his body and stopped him in his tracks from moving. Meanwhile poor Orihime was blushing madly, hiding her eyes behind her hands, occasionally taking a peek from between her fingers and giggling a little bit and whispering a faint "Kurosaki-kun?"

Smirking Yoruichi finally found her target, a few quick gropes proved what she had already suspected. There was only one thing left to say, as she was still clutching his privates and it didn't look as if she would let go anytime soon.

"Yup, no doubt. You're definitely Ishin's, "Call me eleven-sama ,baby's", kid, aren't you?"


End file.
